Frustrations and pressures

Did you ever get that feeling that everything you do is always wrong? Or that every itsy bitsy tiny mistake you make seems to be something that you committed serious? Well, it was a weird weekend for me.

I don’t know, but for some reason I got scolded a lot. There was a time when I was just sitting down to eat, and then I was told that I didn’t get the water for drinking. After that, I was told that how am I going to survive living by myself if I can’t even get a bottle of water. Shocked that I am, I tried to explain, but I thought explaining myself would only make matters worse.

Another was when we were buying groceries. The moment we came back, I just turned on the TV. Just tried to see what’s on it (as most people do). Again I was told that here I am again trying to watch TV when I should be helping with the unpacking of the groceries. Well, actually I am going to help, and I just turned on the TV. Guess that was a big mistake.

Since then, Every move I make is a careful one. Awkward as it sounds, I am now actually afraid. I don’t know what happened; probably I was just caught in one of its mood swings…

Also, I might add. Once you’ve committed a mistake or did something really, really, wrong (for them at least). People would make it a point to remind you of that mistake every day. Even if you say that you actually did not do anything wrong, you can’t defend yourself, because you didn’t say anything. In the first place if you actually said something and started defending yourself… It’s not worth it. You’ll only be able to hear more scolding.

And then probably days after, when you finally get the guts to say it, just to be open and honest… Dismissal is only what you’ll get. You’ll either be told again that you are too sensitive… saying that it was only a small thing and you should probably dismiss it or be scolded again yet for another reason you can’t seem to understand.

So now you can get a grasp of what I feel right now. I’m not mad, just shocked that despite doing my best and trying to suppress my feelings (I’m feeling very homesick), I guess that just isn’t enough… and probably you know now why I don’t tell such things… Pressures really arise when people expect so much from you. You have to try and let them see you can do it… even if you really, really, can’t.